A Brief Digression To Talk About Toilets

So, I’d like to interrupt the flagellation of my former self to discuss with you all my deep and abiding hatred for self-flushing toilets.

Because really, why the hell have a personal blog if you can’t wax lyrical about all the things in the world that make you really, really angry.

And in that category falls self-flushing toilets.

Now, I’ve never liked automatic toilets. I’ve always found them dirty (because they don’t flush at the right time) and wasteful (because sometimes while you’re um … hovering … the toilet will flush three times.)

But lately, I guess I’ve been traveling a lot lately in airports (which always, always have self-flushing toilets) and the inanity of these toilets has really hit home.

And I started to wonder, really and truly, WHO thought these were a good idea? Because see: dirty and wasteful. WHY are they taking over the world one airport at a time? And if they are going to take over the world, WHY aren’t they any better?

I mean, come on. We live in a world with autonomous flying robots [side bar: when is a robot a robot and when is it a thing with a computer? Like, why do you call airplanes airplanes and not flying robots? Why are remote controlled helicopters or drones not robots? And why are autonomous flying robots robots and not really cool airplanes?] and we can’t create toilets that actually flush when you want them to flush? I mean, I don’t know how those sensors work exactly, but it feels like whoever programmed them does not actually know the mechanics of how people use the toilet. Like for example, the fact that you do not keep crouching down whilst you make use of your toilet paper.

I’m not quite sure why it’s so hard to program a toilet to flush at the right time because I feel like people’s bathroom patterns tend to be fairly simple. But since self-flushing toilets are such a failure, I feel there has got to be some better way. Maybe a vocal command to indicate to the toilet you are done? Or a song? Maybe toilets that flush when you clap (a clapper for the crapper?)

Or maybe, just maybe, there could be some sort of lever? That you push down on? But that would probably be too easy. I suppose we’re stuck.

(If I don’t update my blog for several more weeks, you’ll know that I’m stuck in an airport bathroom trying to get the automated sinks to give me some f**king water and soap already.)

4 responses to “A Brief Digression To Talk About Toilets

  1. I do keep crouching down whilst making use of my toilet paper. I won’t go into the reasons why. This is already TMI.

  2. And by the way? I’m so glad you’re back, however briefly.

  3. As a mother of three young boys, I love automatic toilets. I wish I had them in my home.

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